"Bryan Kohberger's online activity in High School"

"BRYAN KOHBERGER'S online activity in HiGH SCHOOL"

The following are excerpts from the writing of Bryan Koberger, as he posted in high school; on the dates listed associated with him. These posts paint a picture of a severely depressed and disturbed young man, who is riddled with pain and feeling himself “slipping away from the balance of normality, constantly burdened by visual snow and the sound of screaming torture.” 

And it wasn’t just the posts on Tapatalk. As Blum lays out, there was also bristling anger uncovered by internet sleuths who have traced his teenage email address to a posting on Soundcloud. Eleven years ago, Kohberger’s defiant moods took flight in a howling rap song. “You are not my equal/You are evil but I’m the devil,” he challenged in the lyrics.

We can see an emergence of his disconnect from reality, depersonalization, feeling better and smarter than those around him. He continues to have a hard time sorting out his thoughts, and finding his place in the world. Though these passages were written during his high school years, it gives an excellent insight into the struggles he has with many demons.

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“I have completely disconnected from reality. I feel all the time that I’m living in my own reality. It seems as if my brain chemistry is altered from this, even though I am certain it’s not. First, I felt very uninterested in the things I usually like to do, but then it changed to the point I saw no reason for anything and everything became boring to me. I feel at times completely disconnected and as if I can’t live like a normal person. When I think about my future, I think about how I will barely remember my mother and father, etc. because I have an altered memory and also have been unable to think of them due to the 10 things I think about non stop all at once (visual snow, altered brain, tinnitus, disappointment, regret, etc.) I think that possibly I could have brought this onto myself from post traumatic stress disorder or something similar, but I can’t tell what it is. I remember how it was before and remember that I felt like it before. It is all real bullsh-t. If I have any chemistry change, I have this detox program that can fix it.”

October 29, 2010

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“I always feel as if I am not there, completely depersonalized. Mentally, I experienced fog, lack of comprehension at some times: I feel like my life is a movie (depersonalization), depression, no interest in activity, constant thoughts of suicide, crazy thoughts, delusions of grandeur, anxiety, poor self image, poor social skills, no emotion. I feel like nothing has a point to it. When I get home, I am mean to my family. This started when VS [visual snow] did. I feel no emotion and, along with the depersonalization, I can say and do whatever I want with little remorse. Everyone hates me pretty much. I am an a–hole.”

May 12, 2011

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“I’ve had this horrible depersonalization go on in my life for almost two years. I often find myself making simple human interactions, but it is as if I’m playing a role-playing game such as Oblivion. I can see what is going on. I am slightly into it, but I can pause the game and focus on my real life. In this case, my life is the game and my old self can be reached by pausing the game. But how? I often think of things that humans do, things I’ve done my whole life. I feel like an organic sack of meat with no self worth as I’m starting to view everything as this. Everything I have ever done makes no sense. How did things get this way? How am I wearing this shirt? And who decided that humans shall wear shirts like this? Are we all just advanced animals with possession? Or is there more? More that I can’t see? I can’t connect. I do everything as if I would if I was playing Oblivion, pointless and full of nothing, out of reality. I’m moving out of my house. My last holidays were already lived. But where was I? As my family group hugs and celebrates, I’m stuck in this void of nothing, feeling completely no emotion, feeling nothing. I feel dirty, like there’s dirt inside my head, my mind. I’m always dizzy and confused. I feel no self worth. I am intelligent, but I feel the opposite. I say things that don’t mean. The last holiday in my house, the house I grew up in, the house I was contributed to, the house I once felt at home in is past. As I hugged my family, I look into their faces I see nothing. It is like I’m looking at a video game but less. I feel less than mentally damaged. It is like I have severe brain damage and stuck in the depths of my mind.”